Hair loss or migraines?

So since I went from 1000 mg of Depakote to 500 mg I’ve been experiencing migraine headaches… again… which I thought I was done with dealing with migraines. Well I talked to me doctor tonight and he said that coming down on Depakote can cause migraines. Great. If I keep getting these migraines for the next week I’m going to have to go back to a 1000 mg. Still on lithium, still have bad shakes.

I’ve been reading a lot about bipolar lately and it seems to be really helpful. The book I’ve been reading the most is The Bipolar Handbook by Wes Burgess, M.D.

Still can’t find a job… well I did get offered one but I’m not going to take it for various reasons including 12 hour days (on the weekends)  and an one hour commute each way.

I’m going to take some more meds for me migraine and go lay down…

1 down, 1 to go

My depression is getting better, yay. My doctor took me off of zypexa which is a mood stabilizer, and since I’m already on 2 other mood stabilizers it really wasn’t necessary to have me on another. Zyprexa was causing me major weight gain and extreme lethargy. I’m glad to be off of it and I am hoping to get off of one of my other mood stabilizers, Depakote specifically. The shaking is still pretty bad, mainly in my left hand. I also just read that depakote has a side effect of hair loss which explains why I’ve had lots of my hair just falling out at whim. Anyway still no job, working on it.

Severe depression

That’s why I am not posting. I don’t have any energy and that makes me depressed and that just makes me more sedentary and the cycle continues. Ugh. It’s awful. During the day all I want to do is sleep, it’s a nightmare, I wish it would get better. And I wish it were just that easy to tell myself that I am going to get up and not give in. Unless you’ve been there, you don’t understand.

Ever night as I put my thyroxine pill in the holder for the next day I think how awful it was that I didn’t do anything worthwhile today and it makes me feel worthless and fat.

Thanks on Inauguration Day

I cried today when I saw our 44th president Barack Hussein Obama being inaugurated. I am thankful that I was able to watch it with my boyfriend and the hounds. I missed election day because I was off my nutter as they say so I was really glad to be on planet earth to see today.

Just before I was let out of the hospital I was asked to make a list for thanksgiving for all the things I was thankful for… here it is…

Stephanie Lee

aka “steppie lee”

I’m thankful for:

- my dad

- aunt k.

- my boyfriend d.

- my neighbors

- viima sioux/vera

- epie/lexy

- sunshine

- colorado – boulder

- music

- life being a puzzle

- everyone here in group

- “hope”

—

When we were in group we were asked to pick our top 3 things. I picked 4 in this order: life being a puzzle, everyone here in group, “hope”, and my boyfriend d. It is interesting to see how skewed the mind can get. Now I would have things in a much different order with my boyfriend and family above concepts such as “hope”. I am thankful for hope but hope can’t hug me when I am sad or lend me a hand when I am down.

I am glad Obama is president. I hope and believe he will do great things for this nation but only time will tell.

Good day

My day started with the usual “get-up-eat-feel-exhausted-go-back-to-bed” routine. The tiredness is bad but I didn’t need coffee today (I’ve become a 1-2 sixteen ounce cups of coffee per day kind of gal). Shakyness was bad but better (I do think the cafiene makes it worse).

I had an appointment to get a manicure at the Brown Palace and when I arrived (after a very nerveracking drive) they told me I was scheduled for a pedicure… even better! I got my feet soaked in a warm massaging tub, rubbed, scrubbed, nails cut, toes painted (I picked a dark shade of purple)… it was heaven! I’ve decided that I should treat myself to a pedicure (and if I can afford it, manicure) at the Brown Palace every year. Mark it every year as a another year alive and sane. Also it was cute, the lady doing the pedicure said “mouse” when describing the “mousse” used on my feet.

After my pedicure I picked up my boyfriend, we went to this really great Thai restaurant and then tried to see Gran Tarino but we missed the showing and because of my meds and my body I have to be home no later than 8:30. We ended up just hanging out at P.F. Chang’s and playing board games. We are going to try and see the movie tomorrow.

Long and short is that today was a really good and positive day. I think my meds still need some adjustment but they are getting there. Maybe tomorrow I’ll delve back into the “crazy” box of stuff from the hospital and see what I’ve got.

An interview and workout can do wonders

I had a fantastic day. I had my first interview since the whole manic/end up in hospital episode. It was sort of an interview, it was with a recruiter who is trying to get me a job doing something similar to what I was doing before. She said I was the best candidate she had seen. Here’s hoping!

My boyfriend took me out to lunch which was very sweet of him. Later I had an appointment with my psych doctor which went well. After dinner my boyfriend and I went to the gym and worked out which felt really really good. As a treat we went to Jamba Juice. I feel like a million bucks right now and I love it. Bipolar be damned, I still got it!

Tomorrow I am getting my first ever manicure at the Brown Palace (which for those of you not from CO, the Brown Palace is the fanciest, swankiest, most expensive hotel in Denver). I have a gift certificate I won on my birthday that I need to use. I’m excited for tomorrow will bring.

P.S. Been reading Stranger in a Strange Land again. Fantastic book.

Self-Help Notes

First off, I’ve been doing okay in general… a little on the downish side but okay. I’ve been exhausted but that is because my thyroid has basically shut down. I’m on medication for it and it seems to be helping. I haven’t been writing because I didn’t feel that I had the energy to do it and I wasn’t sure what to post about. I am remembering more but it’s sketchy and I am not sure if I posted about it before…. like doing yoga on a towel in the floore of my room the first night because I couldn’t sleep or being basically forced to kiss on of the patients I became close with, “Theo”.

I regret so much, if I had only known or if someone had just stop me….. but I know that I CAN’T beat myself up. There is nothing I could have done. Many times I felt like if I could only make my boyfriend “D” understand then I could get out of the hospital, but that was a manic brain talking. I now realize that he didn’t need to understand for me to get better.

——-

So I thought for the second half of this post that I would post something that helped me, it was given to me later in my psych stay when I was outpatient (group during the day and go home at night). Most of it is not orginal and is from “D.B.T. in Life™” which is the stuff in bold:

“(starting from the top of the page of a two page document)”

Stephanie Lee

“(in my handwriting)”

- watch for stressers

-alchol will destabilize

- substance abuse

- drug interaction

“(these are things that we talked about in group and I thought were helpful points)”

“(text on the sheet)”

Interpersonal Effectivenees Worksheets

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

GIVE

This skill is designed to increase your capacities to improve and sustain relationships in healthy ways:

G = Gentle in relationships

I = Interest in others

V = Validate

E = Easy Manner

“(there is a picture of a man and woman holding hands on a beach)”

D.B.T. in Life™

[- find out more about phoenix]

“(Phonenix is the name of active community I was thinking (still am) about joining)”

“(second page)”

Stephanie

Volume II: The Worksheets

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

GIVE

I can be Gentle in my relationships by:

listening & expressing my concerns

I can be Interested in others by:

listening (actively) & responding to their conversations

I can Validate others by:

listening to their concerns

I can have an Easy Manner by:

being easy & safe to talk to

—-

I’m tired and it’s time to take my meds, maybe some one will find this helpful, or not. It helps me at least.

Keep on walking…

I’ve been dealing with fatigue hardcore, in combination with the weather (it’s been snowing and cloudy here in Denver) I’ve been depressed and sleeping far too much. I also have no motivation. Hence why my blog has fallin’ behind a bit. I need to keep pushing forward and I need to be even now outside the hospital, an example of someone who can tackle bipolar head on and still win. The Wii Fit really helped keeping me going today.

The fatigue, extreme fatigue might be caused by my meds messing with my thyoid (I am also predisposed to thyroid problems) but either way, I’m dealing with hypothyroid now. So I get to take another med but it seems to be helping thus far.

That’s all for today folks, I’m very tired right now.

Battle of Fatigue

I am not trying to use this as an excuse for not writing but the main reason that my blog has slowed down in postings is because my  body has slowed down almost to a griding halt. I am so so so so SO tired. It is like I can’t ever fully wake up and I’m just wanting to sleep all day. I know that this is a “red flag” which is a warning sign that my bipolar may be out of control (it has to be like several of the warning signs but I was feeling depressed on one of the days that this started). I talked to my counselor about it and he recommended that I call my psych doctor, which I did, he just hasn’t gotten back to me yet.

So why I am a battling fatigue?  I’ve been told and thought about it that it’s either:

a) too much medication

b) taking the meds at the wrong time

c) both

They did blood tests to see where my medication levels are but I haven’t gotten the results. Coffee helps but I am also have stomach issues so I don’t want to drink it all the time. I think I am going to take a nap now, I’m so sleepy.

Post Christmas Post

I hope everyone had a Merry Christhanukwanzadan.

This year I asked for a stress free Christmas which is what I got, my anxiety only kicked up a couple of times. I got to make cookies with my grandmother Norma, she is such a sweet lady and I love being around because she seems to always be happy and laughing. Like when I screwed up the recipe and put all the ingredients in the bowl all at one (like you do with a cake) and not followed the instructions; My grandma just laughed and was like “let’s try it and see if it comes out okay” (which it did). My cousins are complete brats but nothing has really changed there. They came over to make cookies too which I was just finishing decorating my batch when they showed up because that was when my anxiety was really kicking in and I was shaking like a leaf. I got to spend some time with my baby nephew as well which was really sweet.

So Christmas eve was a small affair with my dad’s side of the family which is just my grandparents and my dad. I got some neat practical stuff which is nice. Christmas day was spend with my dad and Aunt K. We had yummy fresh baked apple bread and banana bread and coffee and egg nog and then dinner was lots of yummy dishes and a turkey. It was so nice to have a relaxing Christmas and not high stress.

I’m very shaky right now so I am going to do something else. I am hoping that my meds will even out so I am less sleepy during the day because right now they are kicking my ass.